AKRON, OH- Gloria James, mother of basketball phenom LeBron James, was acquitted of all charges today at the Akron Justice Center.

"I told them son of a bitches I wasn't drinking and driving," quoted Gloria James. "I yelled and screamed and pleaded with the arresting officers. I even kicked-out the back window in the cruiser, trying to prove my point. They just wouldn't listen to me."

In a stunning change of events, Judge Reynolds dropped all charges, stating "This is the first time the Cavs have been in the playoffs for over eight-years. I can't have no bothersome DUI arrest of his mother distracting Lebron from bringing it home for us. We need LeBron focused out there. To some of us fans, he's our only shot."

Bailiff Joel Winston added: "Yeah, he's the chosen one."

"I think this is a travesty," stated Christy Brown. "I live next door to James, and last week, she almost ran over my kid while he was playing on the sidewalk. Then later she yelled at him for chipping the paint on her Lexus when she backed over his tricycle. Gloria needs to be locked up, or sent to some rehabilitation clinic, the woman really needs some help. She might kill someone."

Judge Reynolds: "Mrs. James will drink and drive again and again, providing dozens of chances for a DUI arrest. The Cav's going to the playoffs... that's once in a lifetime."

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