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| ONE DAY IN THE CALL CENTER- A Saga |
by Eric Malcolm
ONE DAY | UNRELATED CALL | OVERFLOW CENTER | ONE DAY 2 | ONE DAY 3 | ONE DAY 4
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"Thank you for calling What on Earth! Denise speaking. How may i help you?" |
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"I don't want What in the World, I called Art and Arti-craft, dammit! Dennis, I need to speak to a supervisor regarding my order!" |
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"She's not available right now... can I assist you?" |
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"What, Dennis?! I'm a bit deaf in my left ear!" |
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"HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU, MAAM?!" |
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"Uh... I'm calling Art and Arti-craft! I need to speak to a supervisor, Dennis. I have a question regarding my catalog." |
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"What was your question, maam?" |
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"Dennis?! Are you there, Dennis? Dammit, stop playing around Dennis, transfer me to your supervisor! I'm 87 years old, and, uhhh. Ronald... Is your name Ronald? Wait, no, it was Dennis." |
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"I can transfer you to her voicemail, maam." |
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"Roy? Who the hell is Roy? Is this Art and Arti-craft?" |
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"To
hell with it, I'm calling What-in-the-World then!"
SLAM! |
| TOP | The End. |
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"Drop-ship! What's that crap!" |
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"Dropship items take about 4-6 weeks. They do not ship from our warehouse, but directly from the vendor. I apologize for the confusion, sir." |
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"Apologize?! My wife's birthday is tomorrow!! What is this crap? Why wasn't I told this in in the catalog?!" |
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"This information is in the catalog, sir." |
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"Are you calling me a liar?! I didn't watch my friends die face down in the mud in Vietnam, for you to call me a liar! I'm damn mad! What are you going to do!" |
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"Sir, I apologize, but drop-ship items take about 4-6 weeks for delivery. And sir, you placed this order today." |
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"That personalized flamingo martini shaker better be here by tomorrow, or I'm going to go Rambo on your little company. I've snapped necks in bush, do you know that? Get it here!" |
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"Sir, I can offer you a $5 coupon for a future order." |
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"....okay." |
| TOP | The End |
At an undisclosed location in the phillipines, the phone rings... |
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"Herrow, and thank you for carring What on Earth, Ankja speaking, how may i help you?" |
meanwhile, back in the states.... |
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"mommy? help me, i'm lost. i'm scared, mommy." |
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"May i have your customer number in the yerrow box?" |
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"Yellow...? My pee is yellow!" |
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"Solly, sir. That customer numba is invarid. What is your rast name?" |
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"My mommy says i'm not supposed to talk to strangers." |
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"I having trouble locating you in our system. Please call customer service at one-eight hundred, fow-fow-one, two-two-fow-two." |
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"I can count to two! One, two!" |
| TOP | The End |
| ANOTHER DAY IN THE CALL CENTER (PART 2) | |
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"Hello, and thank you for calling Art & Artifact. Denise speaking. How may I assist you?" |
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"Speak up Donald, I can't hear you. My friend Esther is very upset with Art & Arti-craft. I need to speak with someone about this, now dammit!" |
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"Sure thing maam, I can assist you." |
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"What! A cyst? No, I don't have a cyst. I'm calling for my friend Ester. Ester! Pick up the other line!" |
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"I'm here, Mildred. Are you speaking with Dennis?" |
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"No Esther, I'm speaking with Donald. He wants to know if I have any cysts." |
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"No cysts here, just terrible corns. Oh, and I need to re-new my perscription to stool softner." |
| FIVE MINUTES OF DEAD AIR... | |
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"Hello, is anyone there?" |
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"Dennis, is that you! Speak up, I'm deaf in my left ear! I need to speak to someone, uhh, I wanna place an order, for them glow in the dark balls of glass. I wanna put some in my hallway, so if I need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I wont fall down and bust my hip again." |
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"Maam, I'm sorry, the Garden Balls are primarily for outdoor use." |
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"Go to the bathroom outside? I haven't done that in over five decades, back when a loaf of bread cost half a shilling! Remember them days, Esther?" |
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"What?!" |
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"I SAID, REMEMBER THEM DAYS!" |
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"Mildred, is that you? Did you call me? What do you need, honey?" |
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"Did I call you dear? I'm sorry. I meant to call that Art and Arti-craft, but I must have dialed you by mistake, Esther." |
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"....." |
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"Okay
then. I gotta go poop now." Slam! |
| TOP | The End |
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"Hello, Pizza-Emporium, how may I help you?" |
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"What?! Speak up, I'm going deaf in my left ear!" |
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"HOW MAY I HELP YOU?!" |
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"I wanna order one of dem pizzas you got there. My address is 4...5....wait, 7..2..6 and then a 4, Colonial drive. There's a old man with a cane out front." |
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"Maam, what did you want on your pizza?" |
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"Pizza?! Yeah, one of dem pizzas, you guys got there. Just don't put too much cheese on that pizza, when I eat too much dairy, I have trouble pooping. Wait a minute, honey, I have another call..." |
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"Hello, who is it?!" |
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"Hello, this is Lisa, I am the supervisor for Art & Artifact. We have received your five voicemails, and I'm calling you to see what your inquiry was regarding." |
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"Roy!? Who the hell is Roy? This is Esther, I wanna speak with them people at Art & Arti-craft, about dem glowing balls for the garden. I want them for my place, here." |
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"Sure, let me transfer you to our order department." |
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"Art & Artifact, Denise speaking, how may I help you today?" |
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"Who's this now? Dennis?! You work at the Pizza Emporium now? Is my pie on the way, Dennis?" |
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"I'm sorry maam, you have the wrong number. This is Art & Artifact, a catalog company." |
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"Art & Arti-craft? Yeah, I need to speak with them too, I want one of them glowballs dammit! I want to speak, to the supervisor, I think his name is Larry." |
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"Lisa is available, let me transfer you." |
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"Hello, Esther, are you ready to complete your order now?" |
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"Yeah, send me three of the ones that glow. I want dem for my hallway, so if I have to take a poop in the middle of the night, I don't fall down and break my hip. I'm 87 years old, and can't afford to loose my mobility at the prime of my life." |
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"Uhhh..... I think you have the wrong number." |
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"HELLO!? HELLO?! ESTHER!" |
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"Yeah, who is
it?! I didn't hear the phone ring. Whatever
your selling, I'm not interested. I don't read dem
papers, I don't want cable, and to hell with the
american cross. I barely have enough blood in me as
it is, I don't need to be going out and giving it
away like that." SLAM! |
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"Esther, are you there dear?!" |
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"Mildred, is that you? You wanna come over, I ordered a pizza." |
| The End | |
copyright © 2006 Eric Malcolm Productions ®
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